Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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