Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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