my mouth tastes like poor choices
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize