dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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