I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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