Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
This is the high leading the old right now
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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