i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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