why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I have fence marks all over my body
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
