I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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