two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
