Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize