The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
