Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
