Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
