you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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