wrigley field is MILF paradise
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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