I feel like I'm in dance class right now
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize