Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
