I'm gonna have a badass scar
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Randomize
