At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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