He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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