I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
