My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
