I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
