I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
