Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
