Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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