TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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