how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
