his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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