I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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