I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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