1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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