last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Randomize
