you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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