anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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