12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
