i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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