shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
