Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
