there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
