i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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