Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
