I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
