i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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