i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize