Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
This toilet bowl is my home.
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