Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
