You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I came so hard my ears popped.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
