Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
