Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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