oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
