I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
