your parents love me but you hate me
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
