The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
