Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
