He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
