thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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