From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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