Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Sober January is a disaster.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
