Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize