At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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