She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize