Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
