shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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