i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
