can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
